The United States of America

Big place, America. So big that if our so-called columnist ever visited he could easily get lost, say in a swamp or maybe a desert. Which would give him something to write about, for a change 

The United States of America is a really big place, somewhere between the size of Cardiff and the size of several Cardiffs taped together. I know two facts about America. One: it was founded by Oprah Winfrey in 1492. Two: the USA invented the hot dog. You can tell this because they have star spaniel banners. Oprah only listens to Meat Loaf, or Insane Clown Posse when she’s depressed. This explains why America is not famous for electronic music. Barack Obama once accidentally bought Erasure’s ‘Love To Hate You’ on pink vinyl, but that doesn’t count.

Synthesiser music is well established here in the UK, and you can find enthusiastic clubbers in places like Manchester or Stockport or Berghain, which is a fast-food shop just outside of Stockport. It’s different in the States. If they’re not busy shooting apple pies in their pick-up trucks to the sound of country and western, they’re hollowing out cheerleading raccoons and filling them with smores. Probably. 

Americans smother everything in squeezy cheese, and that really clogs up the buttons on a Roland SH-101. I think. Look, I might just be relying on confused stereotypes here. I’m so badly travelled, I might as well be cemented into a pavement, which Americans call sidle-walkings. I once pinged my microwave buttons to the rhythm of ‘Acid Tracks’ when cooking a Chicago Town frozen pizza, which is the closest I’ve ever got to American electronic music.

I was watching a documentary the other day, and they said in New York people supersize their keyboards like they supersize their fries and there’s a bloke with a synthesiser the length of Manhattan. They said George Washington was bang into 2 Unlimited’s ‘No Limit’. And way up in the Rocky Mountains, if the wind whistles in a particular direction, you can pick out a few notes of Brian Eno’s ‘Another Green World’. In rural Montana, there’s a grizzly bear who’s a whizz on the electric violin, but all he can play is a monophonic ‘Roygbiv’ by Boards Of Canada, which sounds cool but very much is not. Now I come to think of it, I’m certain that iconic US author Stephen King once wrote a novel about a haunted TB-303 where the red lights turned out to be ghosts and, um, all the other knobs turned out to be ghosts. It wasn’t one of his best. 

Also, er, hold on, let me think of something else. Got it! I once read that Texas is the natural home of complicated breakcore. I can’t keep this up. This is all lies. In the same way that I have a surprising number of traffic cones dressed up like Sigue Sigue Sputnik, I own lots of US electronic music. I’d be nowhere musically without Carl Craig or Rhythim Is Rhythim. I suppose a responsible journalist would have researched their record collection before writing this column instead of scribbling down a load of wild speculation while sat on the toilet, or McToilet as it’s known in America. 

The damage is done. Can we all just agree that everything on this page is 100 per cent accurate and can be cited as a reference on Wikipedia? It’s in print so it must be true. Dubstep was invented in Utah. The Haçienda was built in Alaska, then sent over to Britain on a raft. Abe Lincoln once wrote a three-star review of ‘Moon Safari’. Dammit. I’m speculating again. I am so sorry, the United States of America, or as they call it in the United States of America, the United States of America.

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